How do you take care of yourself?

In a moment of tunnel vision and, yes, self-loathing bratiness, a friend came at me with this simple question. Something I have answered with exercise for stress, anxiety, depression, sleep, healthy living, schedule, physical and spiritual balance. Take that away and I am lost. Lost to my own thoughts that aren't always accurate. So, I am reflecting on this during this empty space of time I have found myself in.

We often hear the phrase "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself" but what does "Loving yourself" really mean? Seriously! I've researched this and have tentatively come up with the following.

1. Loving yourself means taking care of your SELF. It means that you take responsibility for your well-being and happiness and figure out what you need to feel good. I am beginning to gain an appreciated for this seemingly obvious question of "What does "loving yourself" mean in real life?" Loving your "Self" means that you know how to take care of your Self. Taking care of your Self applies to both your physical and emotional self - You become your own caring, loving parent so to speak. 
2. Something I have learned years ago, and it feel necessary to add to this list, is that no one can fill that emptiness inside you - except for you. [Of course God is at the center of this, he knows you better then you know you.] Do not look to someone else to fill that "hole". It seems to me that if you are born a human, you will have a human struggle, and that struggle is about filling that emptiness inside. The emptiness that I have been feeling for the past month honestly. Every one of us deals with that emptiness and we are all faced with making peace with the process. EVERY ONE. When you expect someone else to make you happy, you are projecting your feelings of incompleteness on another and this will never work. Only you and you alone, can heal your Self. [With God's graces of course, or whom/whatever you call your higher power or Creator.]
   
3. You attract to you who you really are - this is always accurate. We always get a good match for where we are at the moment. Look at whom you are attracting and take responsibility for that "pull". Take responsibility for whatever relationship you are in. Perhaps there's a lesson that needs to be learned. For me, I tend to push people away and that is exactly what I am feeling inside, nothing. I am learning about this and trying to change that.
   
4. Ask yourself "What makes me feel good? What do I like?" You need to like yourself before you can love yourself. Figuring out what makes us feel good is a lifetime process. In order to do this, we cannot care what anyone else thinks and need to quiet all those other voices in our head other than our own. I've had that little voice as a young child living in Wapato and going to a private school in Yakima (don't fit in),  going from private school to public school (awkward and unsure), going to college (identity is grades, nothing else), not having someone to teach me girly things like getting nails done, hair, make-up (your not good enough). Those little voices creep in even now. The mind needs to be quiet. If your mind is always going, always frantic, you will never be able to figure out who YOU are. I wouldn't say that I know know who I am but I am certainly learning who I am at various stages in life. Eliminate the words "should" and "ought" from your vocabulary. (When we say we "should" do something, it is usually the opposite of what we really feel like doing.) In learning about the delicate difference between feeling like I should do something to take care of myself and what I want and can do to take care of myself. I tend to focus on the shoulds that I get tunnel vision and miss the message that there are other ways to take care of myself.
   

Anyways, not sure how to end this but it isn't really written to have a start and end. It is more of a snapshot into what is on my mind right now. We'll see where it goes.

Office Supplies + Rising of the Sun to Its Setting

“From the rising of the sun to its setting, let the name of the Lord be praised” – Psalm 113:3

Drank my pumpkin spice flavored black coffee that Seth made for me this morning. Feeling quite satisfied with what I had accomplished in my stay-cation. I deep cleaned the three bathrooms, laundry, paint a bathroom, gut and organize the pantry, completely clean the refrigerator, deal with the stock pile of recycling, trip to the dump, stock up on cleaning supplies, begin fall storage systems, learn and begin scrapbooking our wedding album, finished a book, began journaling again, scheduled a hair cut, tried new recipes, balanced checkbook toward a more efficient savings schedule, IKEA trip for new furniture and new serving wear.

Every day is like a package. I open it in the morning, the moment I wake up. Then at night, I close up all of its experiences – both the good and the bad – put them away, and prepare to open a new one again at sunrise. That’s how the Bible teaches us to look at life. We ask only for our “daily bread” (Matthew 6:11), not worry about tomorrow “because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own” (Matthew 6:34).

One of the implications of this approach is to keep your sins confessed on a daily basis. I like to call them areas of improvements or learning stones (rather than stepping stones). Also, to not let any offense done against you go unprayed for and forgiven. For those common situations then a person who has harmed you doesn’t see the harm in their actions or down plays it with a “I am sorry for that bad thing I did” or “I sorry you are so angry at me.” Pray for the person who has harmed you that they will see their learning stone, ask forgiveness, and experience the awesome process of what forGIVEness is about. This also means praying that your heart is ready to forgive when you are sincerely called upon. I believe that when people live otherwise they will wake up years later to find their hearts cluttered with a piled-up resentment. I am a great office supply lover; my heart flutters at new pens, post-its, file-folder systems, red staplers a la Office Space, etc. The freedom and friendship they want in their relationships, marriage, career, are obscured by tall stacks of wrongs, collected and cataloged by date and time.

If I want to keep bitterness and rancor out of my relationships, I ought to take a moment tonight – and every night – to square away with the most important person in my life first, Seth. And then square away in my heart all the other file folders.

Green Tea + Flaws + Song of Solomon

Drinking my green tea this morning, my finger falls down the pages of my study bible as if the words are fine jewels I’m dreaming that I could even contemplate buying. This is the feeling I get when I read the bible. I want so much to understand and ultimately may or may not.

Do not stare at me because I am dark, for the sun has gazed on me – Song of Solomon 1:6

I have read Song of Solomon in my early twenties admittedly because of the descriptive way the two lovers describes their mate’s appearance. The man is dumbstruck, stupefied, undoubtedly overtaken by her attractiveness. He sees her as beautiful – the “most beautiful of women” – S of S 1:8. She is coy and even deflated, as she admits that she has been working hard in the fields. Her skin is beyond sun kissed, it’s dark and weather-worn.  She is painfully sensitive about this; so much so that she can physically feel when people lay eyes on her and notice this that feeds into her self-consciousness.

I have this image of a bland landscape with peripheral people that are afterthoughts in this snap shot. And her, a stunning beauty with a long wayward look on her face, one arm cradling her other arm, tall and smooth and wanting nothing more than to be peripheral.

Even the most (seemingly) self-confident among us are attuned to the flaws and blemishes on our bodies. We don’t and cannot measure up to the image our culture declares most attractive. I have reruns of the season opener of ANTM “High Fashion” Cycle flash through my head; a guilty pleasure of mine. But LOVE makes us look at our spouse – flaws and all – and see the ideal we most delight in. Whatever their body shape or muscle tone, we choose to declare that this person who is uniquely ours in the perfect shape and size for us. We take whatever sensitivities they have, and we lavish them in true love. We don’t just overlook, down-play, ignore, console or reassure. We delight!

Why You Should Care For Your Body - My Story

Preface - Sometimes people, readings, life events, epiphanies all collide, jell and makes sense of things.  That is what leads me to this Blog, which is actually is a very edited email I sent to a family member.

Paul’s reminder “that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Cor. 6:19) has a broad application: human beings are to respect and care for their body. Such attention requires physical discipline. Indeed, the apostle urges: “train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come” (1 Tim. 4:8). Physical discipline does have value for embodied human beings during their earthly existence. 

As some may know, I am recovering/healing from an injury.  I have been b!tching and complaining about going from my peek fitness to ziltch, nada, nothing. Doctor's orders = ONLY WALKING for 2 weeks then SLOWLY go back to light upperbody workouts...EASING back into my old routine.  My expectations were overzealous.  Tried and couldn't jog 4 steps without having to wrap myself back in the back-brace, which I need to wear for another 2 weeks. Having to work from 2.5 mi walk/jogs back to 4mi 7.5min runs and intense personalized plyo and strength training sessions.  Uhg. My point is is that I didn't realize how much and specifically WHY physical movement had become so important to my daily routine.  I found these three things interconnected.

1. It was during the year before I met Seth, when I was meeting with Deacon Larry regularly praying for guidance and God's preparation of my heart and the heart of the man that He had chosen for me.  It was then when I read Paul's reminder.  I felt that I needed to take care of myself in more ways than one.  Defining healthy living. I also, for the first time, truly listened to the words the priest always says during the blessing of the Holy Eucharist, “free us from all our anxieties, Lord.”
2. In 2006, I started running and took up a Mixed Martial Arts Class.  The instructor, who is a dear friend of ours today along side the other relationships developed, talked a lot about nurturing the physical, mental, and spiritual parts of our lives - and these are not necessarily separate projects.  I meditated on that and “free us from all our anxieties.”  Physical drag out, sweating, lovely muscle soreness, bore consequences: Physically, (a) toned changes, endurance, strength, health, illness prevention, better sleep; (b) Mental: reaching goals, mindfulness, time to take a timeout, sharpness of mind, elevated self-esteem, sense of efficacy, becoming free from my anxieties….and well the Spiritual- these things you cannot necessarily be compartmentalize these into a, b, and c.  Thank you Rob.
3. Facing my cancer scare really solidified that there is a %age of our physical well being that is in our control and another %age that is in His hands.  Somehow, when I am sore, too tired, and would rather get "stuff done" then workout, I am reminded that taking care of myself is also a Thank You to the Creator for giving me a body that moves, breaths, and loves.  That thank you is expressed through a healthy relationship with food and fitness, something I had miserably failed at for YEARS.  It brakes my heart when I read/hear about people (men and women) who are on some unnatural diet or damaging routine simply to attain a body image.  Atkins Diet, South Beach Diet, Scarsdale Diet, Ketogenic Diet, Blood-type Based Diet, Paleolithic Diet,  creatine injections, muscle milk, syntha-6, hydroxycut, high protein, white protein, low carb, clean carb, no carb, nothing after 5pm, this day, that day, cheat day, measure, weigh, rules rules rules.  They have [I had] missed the point, more importantly missing out on the awesome three-fold symbiotic relationship. [Note, I understand some people make a living being professional athletes and need to follow unnatural diets/routines or are following doctor recommendations and some version of these diets are essential for them.]

Again, working out and sports weren't something I was encouraged to do growing up for whatever reason.  I was the poetry writing, closet drawing, book attached to my hand, library rat, GPA calculating, researching fool who would run only if I was late to class – maybe.  As a young adult, I had to push myself to do something that felt ironically unnatural.  I am not a born athlete.  I am not competitive.  This injury and recovery helped open my eyes and realize that, through consistency, I made myself into an athlete [Something I NEVER considered myself).  I relish those times where I could be lost in my thoughts, prayers and conversations with my intermittent workout buddy/husband.  I can now acknowledge a healthy sense of pride that I can own.  I am unlike the person I often see running, lifting, going to spin classes, participating in intramural teams, yoga, plyo etc who was in sports growing up and throughout their athletic lives.  I had to MAKE myself an athlete and I measure myself against myself.  I thank God for his loving guidance and pray that I give myself the patience that He has for me. At 31, I will heal from this and treat my body at a temple under renovation toward wholy holy health  ; )

Growth

 

While I panicked about my shredded tires being discovered during an oil change, Seth was there to make calls and tell me where to go and get new tires. While the tire banged against the window and I wanted to swear, he was on the phone telling me to breath and call the oil change place and let them know about them loading the tire in wrong. When I got to Les Schwab, he made sure everything went smoothly and said we need to let the oil change place know that they also stripped the bolts on the spare tire. He joked that I can be too nice. Only he can see through my frustration and see my character. I am reminded about last night conversation about him being able to read me, see that I am bothered by a flaw of mine and that he see it and loves me regardless. If felt good to talk with my husband about things that I couldn’t anyone else and that he understands – even better then I did.

I have been thinking about growth and how far Seth and I have grown as individuals and as a married partnership – almost a year!  It got me thinking that the intention of marriage about growth. The key word is intention (not a guarantee or byproduct). Okay, follow my thoughts here. A wife can be an instrument of the Creator to help make a man out of a boy she married. A strong man will help mature and polish his wife by his positive influence and loving interaction with her. Good friends and mentors sharpen you when you are around them.

Part of marriage’s purpose is to help us refine and strengthen each other. Your spouse is given a front row seat (with popcorn and Junior Mints) for viewing your rough edges that don’t resemble Christ. When your spouse exposes a flaw or weakness in your character, your first reaction should be to listen and learn. You should receive is as heavenly sandpaper, buffing you into a more complete Christlike image and unique better version of yourself.

Your mate stands before you like a mirror, reflecting and exposing who you are. He or she is positioned like NO ONE else to reveal areas in your life where correction is warranted. Allow the Creator to use this person to make you more like him, even as He works through you to cause growth in their life as well. You and your spouse should both bloom into Christlineness from being with each other.

Thinking

Spring is a time where I think and think, get side tracked, depressed, inspired, deflated, critical, obsessed, relieved. Not in an particular order.  After going on a jog feeling irritated that my husband took my ipod and I was left with my sneaks and my thoughts. It assured to me that I am today where my thought have brought me; I will be tomorrow where my thoughts take me.

Rarely do we realize that our thoughts are just that ... our thoughts. Because we think them, we often fail to see that they are not necessarily reality. They are our view of reality at that moment...nothing less...nothing more. I often find that I will then take the original thought and embellish it, elaborate on it, and build on it, I begin to construct a house of cards which I can move into and start decorating.

Often, my mind is my worst enemy. Or, I let it be. With little effort at all I can think myself into a complete tizzy. I know, I know. We cannot actually live in the future (or past)...but...our minds can and do.

It's important to remember that our thoughts aren't real. They are processes that we can observe, find interesting, and then, let go of it we wish. We CAN think ourselves in or out of anything. It's the living that's important.

us :o)

Love is the Business of Men

God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love and sound judgment. – Timothy 1:7

When a movie is marketed as a love story, we assume it is a “chick flick.” I admit, I love a good “chick flick” with a girlfriend and a glass of wine. If plots don’t contain fighting, bleeding, or exploding, guys will typically avoid them or not admit to watching them. But real love is not merely women’s work. It’s the core of manhood, transforming men to be strong and courageous. Love is POWERFUL and can bring out the man in men.

Love makes a husband put away childish things and embrace his responsibilities to lead his family. It drives him to defend his wife, provide for his children (or future children), and even lay down his life if they become endangered. Love motivates a man to confront injustice and take passionate stand for what he believes in, like crossing an ocean to fight for his country. At minimum compels him to be a man of his word, walk his talk and be the light on the hill to guide others as they witness his marriage.

Jesus was the most loving man ever to walk the earth and remains the perfect example of manhood. With passion, He confronted evil, case out demons, and rebuke religious hypocrites. Out of love, He served sacrificially, rescued the broken hearted, and willingly died for the sins of the world. Real men embrace love as the driving force to boldly do what boys merely dream of.

I pray that I will continue to learn what real love is and make me a more loving person.

motivation

So, I obviously didn't do the whole blogging for 40 days thing. I wish I could but don't want to be tired to the computer anymore than I already have.

I have been wanting to workout more and eat healthier. Maybe this has something to do with my low confidence. No, it doesn't help any people tell me that I don't need to lose anymore weight. It isn't about the weight. I don't care about the weight - at least not in the moving down direction. I just about confidence. It is ridiculous that I have NEVER felt comfortable in a bathing suit since MAYBE grade 4. Am I wrong in striving for this? I want to feel strong, lean, and proud of a healthy body. There is sooooo much in the world that we don't have control over like cancer, war, death, accidence, other people. I want to see if I can at least control my confidence. It has to come from within me, right?

So, I am going to go to the darn gym as often as possible. I am going to run on days off. I am going to track my walks and runs with my new Nike+ SportBand. I am going to make smarter food choices. Yes, this also means I get to listen to my body and allow days of rest and indulgences too. I am not talking about deprivation. I hope that this experiment will add more to my life than take away. I am also not saying that I don't exercise enough or eat right. I just want to put the anti a bit.

Why?
Confidence (as measured by being able to wear a bathing suit I feel rockin in)
Health
Strength
Energy
Prevention
Consistency
"Walk my Talk"

backstraining business

After dim-wittingly electing to re-arrange the living room furniture while my husband was gone to Seattle one fine Sunny Saturday, I strained my lower back. I have sat on those painstakingly moved couches for 4 days. Going from my painstaking workouts to nada, zilch was turning my brain into a lava lamp. I embarrassingly admit this. I fancy that I would have used this time constructively. Nope. I did host a Superbowl party and send out Valentine letters and read my book club choice Infidel. My lack of constructive use of time sitting and sitting and sitting downward spiraled. I wouldn't say that I became depressed but I did flirt with it. Such a drastic shift in my energies. I am not writing this blog out of self-loathing, no.



I have begun to think it is time to test assumptions I make. For example, I have been lured into the idea of keeping a regular blog but never committed to it for reasons: A) for whom am I writing to; B) would I feel or come across as pompous for thinking that my ramblings are THAT important (then gasp, they might not be); C) it couldn't replace the satisfaction of pen to journal non-verbal expression; D) I truly am frustrated and embarrassed by my dyslexia (omitting words completely at times).



Now that I am gaining some normalcy in my first day after my injury to be back at work and working out I am thinking about what's next. This is bad habit of mine. I strive for goals. A friend pointed that it is because my profession doesn't have clear cut achievements or end results. I think they are right. What is next? Lent. What to sacrifice, what to add to my life, what to give away and what to pray/focus on. Honing on the add part is possibly wrighting a blog for 40 days. No direction, yet. Just simply that. Maybe at the end some of my assumptions for not blogging regularly in the past will be confirmed or dispelled.

We will see. Well, at least I will see anyhow.