I Wish You Knew

I wish I knew what kept you up late staring at the dark while chasing shadows in your mind. You're dealing with stresses others aren't even aware of, and yet you keep a brave face until you are out of public viewing and in the solitude of nightfall. You're being "brave" so that the people you are caring for don't realize that their needs are overwhelming you. You're being brave because you haven't seen an alternative to being stoic and solid and always available to others. Yet, you keep others at a distance.

I wish I knew which past hurt echoes through your soul today. You don't put it out there in conversation, even with close friends, because you think it would surprise and baffle people that the most poignant pain you ruminate over isn't the accident, illness, lose or other "defining moment" that haunts you most. I'm not surprised. I understand that seemingly small hurts are the easiest ones to carry around in your heart's pocket and revisit every free moment. 

I wish I knew what worry makes your heart skip a beat each time you step outside of your comfort zone. How the offhand comments of another leave your mouth dry and your palms shaky. I imagine you have days that ticktock along like years because your energy is spent pretending you're fine and your hope is too spent on survival of healing. 

I wish you knew how much I pray to the One who does know every bit about you and now holds you in a great, protective embrace. Maybe this would bring you comfort. Maybe this would encourage you to allow that embrace to save you along this journey.

A letter to my younger self, A letter to you, A letter for us.....